Resolutions That Will Never See the Light of Day

Resolutions are nothing more than a wish list (or maybe a laundry list) of bad habits and shortcomings we’d like to change. That’s why “lose weight,” “exercise more,” and “stop smoking” regularly soar to the top of the all-time resolution favorites charts.

But everyone knows that most resolutions are forgotten faster than they are made. So instead of making resolutions to improve my business or personal life (and disappointing myself when I don’t stick to them), I’ve made the following laundry list of resolutions for other people, businesses and organizations.

  1. Superstores will resolve to hire enough cashiers so it doesn’t take twice as long to check out as it took to shop.
  2. Supermarkets will resolve to put bread, dairy and frozen foods near the front of the store instead of at the furthest possible location from the entrance and cashiers.
  3. Women magazine editors will resolve to stop running pictures of whipped-cream coated desserts and cherry-topped, double-chocolate, raisin-nut brownies next to the “Lose 10 Pounds in Two Weeks” headline on their front covers.
  4. Holiday guests will resolve to take home all the leftovers from fattening desserts and treats they bring.
  5. Your spouse will resolve to tell you what they really want for a gift instead of saying “I don’t know,” “I don’t need anything,” or “Surprise me.”
  6. Airlines will resolve not to blame cancellations on the weather when there are no weather problems anywhere along the flight path.
  7. Airlines will admit the real reason they are canceling the 2:30 flight and the 4:30 flight is so they can save money by squeezing as many people as possible onto the 3:30 and 5:30 flights.
  8. Computer peripheral manufacturers will resolve to build machines that won’t become obsolete in two years.
  9. Hardware support representatives will resolve to stop telling customers “It must be the software.”
  10. Software support representatives will resolve to stop telling customers “It must be the hardware.”
  11. Both will resolve to stop saying “It must be AOL” every time a line disconnects.
  12. AOL will include an easy-to-find option for permanently turning off the sound in the ads that display on AIM.
  13. Webster’s dictionary editors will resolve to add the term “5 minutes” and define it as a period of time that can last anywhere from one hour to half a day.
  14. Printer manufacturers will resolve to produce a printer that does envelopes without crumbling them, making them look like they were run over by tire wheels or sealing them shut as they print.
  15. Airlines will resolve to rearrange their seating so (a) your knees don’t hit the seat in front of and (b) you can open the cover of your notebook computer even if the person sitting in front of you leans their seat back.
  16. OSHA will resolve to require all airlines that squeeze three seats in a row wide enough for two to post confined space hazard warnings on the middle seat.
  17. Computer “consultants” and repair technicians resolve to return your calls after they’ve collected their fee.
  18. Businesses, hospitals, and public buildings resolve to hang “no perfume” signs next to the “no smoking” signs.
  19. Telephone accessory manufacturers resolve to make color-coded accessories so that when you have to unplug your phone lines to move furniture or computers you can get them hooked up the right way again in less than a week.
  20. Cell phone manufacturers will add a “Find Me” feature to phones. The feature will be voice activated and respond with the words “over here” or “under here” whenever the cell phone owner mutters “Where’s my cell phone,” or other, unprintable variations of the same question.
  21. Hardware and software manufacturers resolve to include comprehensive paper manuals with their products and make them big enough to find on a book shelf or in a file drawer.
  22. Consumers resolve to read and follow the manual or instructions shipped with the product.
  23. The phone company will resolve to add a new service named Call Tattle-Tale which would alert callers that the person they are calling really is in the office and able to take calls.
  24. Job applicants will resolve to learn how to spell and proofread.
  25. Your spouse will resolve to record all checks he/she writes in the check register at the time they are written.
  26. Stove manufacturers will resolve to include instructions that warn: Do not operate while the Internet is running.

[Janet Attard]