No More Tofurky!

For vegetarians, Thanksgiving can be a very disturbing holiday. The killing of a bird, no matter how ugly, despicable or delicious, is no cause for celebration. And you all know what Tofurky tastes like!

Just because we’re pretending that our ancestors got along famously with Native Americans is no reason to go around killing turkeys. And the REAL lesson of Thanksgiving is that if you’re invited to dinner by a bunch of buckle-wearing goof-balls, bring your own food. I mean the Pilgrims got kicked out of Holland fer cryin’ out loud. Who gets kicked out of Holland?

So in the interest of harmony between vegetarians and carnivores, and in the spirit of cooperation mythologized in the Thanksgiving story, I offer my recipe for Tofu Turducken.

Okay okay, I know what you’re thinking. Why even bring up the subject? Forgetting the unfortunate name, isn’t Turducken a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey? Isn’t this a virtual massacre, just one step removed from blatant taxidermy?

Uh huh, but nobody likes to feel deprived, especially not vegetarians.


First off, you’re going to need tofu, A LOT of tofu. Like all the tofu in your local grocery store and maybe your whole town, depending where you live.

Take about a quarter of your tofu and sculpt it into the shape of a chicken, not a “walking-around” chicken but a “frozen-to-the-bone” chicken like the ones in the meat-freezer. When you’re happy with the shape, toss the sculpture into a bucket of chicken broth (whoops, “vegetable broth with artificial chicken flavor”) and let it sit for 24 hours.

Next, sculpt a slightly larger hunk of tofu into the shape of a duck. Dribble duck-sauce (again, not the real thing) over this monstrosity and let it sit the rest of the day.

Hollow out a section of the chicken sculpture and stuff with the vegetarian stuffing of your choice. (Sorry, that’s another recipe.)

Dig out the duck and stuff the chicken tofu thing in there. (You like it, I know you do, uh huh uh huh.)

Combine all that hollowed-out tofu with the rest of your tofu and form it into one huge, badass turkey. Hollow that out, stuff your duck-cum-chicken in there and you’re good as gold. Spray some turkey flavoring all over that thing and then place it on a regular roof-shingle, available at any building supply store. If a roof-shingle is not available, any piece of eighth-inch plywood is acceptable. Have a fire-extinguisher handy and check that your home-owners/renters insurance is paid up.

Season to taste.

Carefully place your tofu turkey into an oven pre-heated to 350 degrees. (Whoops, probably should have mentioned that earlier.) After 30-40 minutes, remove the tofu turducken, toss it in the trash and eat the shingle!

Happy holidays.