Every few years I poke my head out of the hole and don’t see my shadow, so I decide to run for president. The joke’s on me as I live in Pennsylvania, where we don’t see shadows because we never have any sun. London called: it wants its weather back. And Alaska is pissed that we got all their snow plus this year.
Tired of seeing the place run to hell by fools and idiots, I have decided to do more than whine: I will run for office myself. Observe my platform (as I saw its legs off):
* DUI’s: if you are pulled over and fail a medical test, you are shot on site.
* Income tax: abolished. We’re slashing government up to 85% and more!
* Child molesters: the highest recidivism rate short of cigarette smokers! Shoot them and they’ll never do it again.
* Open Borders: there will be a three foot wide opening at each border. Fill in the paperwork and we’ll get back to you.
* Tax breaks for the left-handed
* War on wars: we’re pulling out, so to speak. No more troops, nowhere. Keep our troops safe – bring them home NOW!
* Congress will have to use an HMO – no more healthcare crisis!
* Anyone non-peacefully blocking abortion clinics will be shot.
* Turn signals: failure to use them = the death penalty (bye bye New Jersey)
* Prayer in Congress? Ok, start tomorrow’s session with a satanic prayer. Problem solved.
* Americans Idle: You must take an IQ test and if you flunk, you may watch it.
* Guns: you can’t ban what’s guaranteed to you. Same with speech.
* `Random’ Stops: cut the crap, it’s illegal search and seizure
* Public cameras: will be repointed at the elected to remind them we’re watching.
* Abortion: mandatory for male religious fascists.
* Sorry, NSA, I must have tripped over that splitter. Show me the warrant.
* Fender – the national guitar (April is National Guitar Month)
* Vote for lefty – he certainly couldn’t be any worse!
* Vote for lefty – a vacuum tube in every stereo!
* Vote for lefty – Skull and Bones wouldn’t HAVE him!
* Vote for lefty – even the libertarians don’t know what to do with him!
* Vote for lefty – he may be unattractive and short and lacking in experience but……..
I’d be deader than a Kennedy before I hit the oval office.
It would be hard to find a group I *haven’t* offended yet.
What do you say?