Interviews After the Killings

I have this vague memory of a comedy routine done by either George Carlin or Robert Klein, about interviewing the neighbors of a convicted killer after the fact.  They invariably say,

`He was a quiet boy.’

Things being what they are, reality is now a bad parody of old comedy routines.  I was wondering what reality would sound like if they came around to ask my neighbors some questions….

  • We’ve been waiting for you…..
  • We figured it was only a matter of time…
  • We’re surprised it took this long.
  • He really believed his cat was Satan.

But I’m not going anywhere because I’m not shooting anyone.  When they come about my neighbor’s kids, I’ll be waiting….

  • Try digging up the yard.  That’s where he buried some of the pets he killed.
  • What do you mean he only killed one person during his rampage?  I thought he would have taken out the entire mall
  • He always told us Sarah Palin used to talk to him through his Lucky Charms on Tuesdays.
  • Instead of shoveling snow, he would hit old ladies with the shovel.  They’re probably buried near the pets somewhere…
  • She used to vacuum the lawn and mow the asphalt…
  • She complained that my bees bit her.
  • You’d think the constant automatic weapons fire would have been a dead giveaway…
  • Why are you asking us – he worked for the CIA!
  • One of his personalities used to fight with another one on the front step.  It was cheaper than cable…
  • We always used to look at each other and say that some kids were just bad.
  • Other kids hid their candy.  He hid body parts.