Nothing says responsible adult like stashing your spare pennies in this physical manifestation of innuendo. Made by Island Dogs, this Sperm Bank coin bank is kind of cute, obnoxiously punny, and bound to offend at least one person you know. At the core, this ceramic bank is just like any other coin bank: it will hold change and or dollars away from your sight until you pry it open and remove its hidden contents.
This is a clear case of an object where form trumps function. This little Sperm Bank coin bank, if gifted appropriately, can be so much more than a conversation piece. How can this little swimmer become part of a thoughtful and — dare I say — touching gift? Challenge accepted, our story begins thus:
Low Motility Has No Effect on the Fertile, Gift-Giving Possibilities of the Sperm Bank Coin Bank
Algie had few friends growing up. It could have been due to his name, or it could have been due to the fact that a rare genetic disorder left him with epic level halitosis for the first 15 years of his life. To this day he still has the letterman’s jacket the football team left in his locker that read “Dragon Breath” on the back. On his 16th birthday, his family moved to California and Algie underwent gene therapy for his breath. This is when Algie met Bettina. Bettina and Algie became fast friends and, later in life when Bettina became a very active organizer of anti-Prop 8 rallies, Algie was right by her side. Right by her other side was Wilma. Wilma and Bettina were married two months ago and the couple are currently saving up money for a certain fertility treatment. They asked Algie to be the father of their child, but owning to the potential of Dragon Breath, Jr., Algie had to pass.
As Christmas grew closer, Algie grew depressed. He wanted to give his friends the unique gift that could cement their bond with a blood-tie. In a moment of despondency, he tried searching the Internet for a sperm bank with the capabilities of screening his “donation” for the potential Halitosis Monstrosus markers. He found no such clinic, but in one of those strange Google moments, he found an article on LockerGnome about a Sperm Bank coin bank. It was the kind of lightning strike portent that only happens in the time of Yule. The perfect gift!
Algie withdrew a sizable amount of his inheritance and created an account for Bettina and Wilma. He placed an Amazon order and, within two days, he had the bank documents tucked inside a ceramic, sperm-shaped coin bank. He wrapped the bank and added a card explaining that for Christmas this year he would, in fact, be their “donor.” A confused couple of ladies opened the box and at first turned red with indigence at the white squiggly bit of man genetics that lay inside. Algie told them to open the Sperm Bank coin bank and look inside. With tears in her eyes, Bettina summarized the information on the bank slips for Wilma. Exactly two years later, Marcus “Algie” was born. The happy family was complete, all because of a little Sperm Bank coin bank from Island Dogs.
Don’t know any childless couples (gay or straight) saving up for a fertility treatment? That’s okay! The Sperm Bank coin bank still makes an excellent “White Elephant” gift. Ice breaker for the “birds and bees” conversation? Yep, works for that, too. Perfect place to store your secrets? Someone has to be pretty damned determined or desperate to pick up a ceramic sperm.