Being a parent is never an easy job; nobody ever said that it was. Tack on the fact that you’ve got twins — one of them a young woman coming of age and dating scruffy-looking boys of questionable character, and the other an obstinate, ungrateful whelp who refuses to pitch in for the good of the family business — well, you’ve got your work cut out for you, Daddy-o.
Vader Twins Just Don’t Understand
Sure, maybe you could have been more supportive during their formative years if only you’d have known where to find them, but custody battles during the flux of Galactic rebellion take a backburner to matters determined to be of greater importance in the grand scheme of things by authorities higher than you. Even when you’re freaking second in command of every parsec of the Galaxy within reach by hyperspace-capable transportation, your boss still likes to lord these things over you.
Try telling a self-proclaimed Emperor with an electric superiority complex that he’s “not the boss of” you and see how long the line outside of a typical Empire unemployment office reaches. That’s no moon — that’s just a dole queue going around the block 17,000,000 times!
Coruscant has really big blocks, too.
Vader Twins Don’t Respect Their Elders
And sometimes that Grand Moff in the fancy duds wags a scolding finger in your direction and you grudgingly deign to follow his lead, but it’s only because you have a healthy respect for your elders — unlike a certain pair of twins you could mention.
Kids these days, eh? The ineffectual towhead Luke is always whining about Tosche Station this and Tosche Station that, and Leia’s quite comfortable insulting everyone and everything not up to her impossible Alderaanian name-brand standards. You even had to wince when she called the despised Captain Solo’s Millennium Falcon “a bucket of bolts.” You’re a pilot. You know how talking trash about someone’s beloved spaceship can hit — and hurt — below the belt.
With Vader twins like these, who needs enemies? Well, at least you never caught them noisily smooching each other like a couple of toothless bayou siblings you might find over there on Dagobah. Maybe they’ll finally grow up and make you proud some day, Dad.