Venom Bottle Opener Gets Inside Your Favorite Beverage

Venom Bottle Opener Gets Inside Your Favorite Beverage
The Venom Bottle Opener believes that bottle caps taste like souls — metal souls! [Image shared by Amazon]
This Venom Bottle Opener is a little creepy, isn’t it? I think it is. It sort of looks like Spider-Man walked into a dark alley and gave birth to a xenomorph from the Alien franchise. Be honest: if Spider-Man’s chest incubated an alien, it would come out looking like this Venom Bottle Opener. The distended jaw and tongue sticking out from the Venom Bottle Opener are suspiciously close to the two-mouthed look of xenomorphs.

If you think about it, every time an alien opened its mouth and the baby head came out, did it not look like an almost perfect bottle opener? This piece of kitchen and bar equipment is small enough to be subtle and creepy enough to appeal to the likes of even H. R. Giger. I’ll bet he has one of these in his own home. It also performs is mundane function of opening bottles satisfactorily, but who actually buys a bottle opener based solely upon its performance?

Having a plain, nondescript bottle opener is like announcing to the world that you have lost all hope of loving anything. Even the most obnoxious among “cool” guys has room for a novelty bottle opener. Only the creepiest of cool guys has the chops to pull out this Venom Bottle Opener.

Could Spider-Man Fall Prey to a Face Hugger?

I think I have made a pretty good case for why this particular bit of barware is the unholy union of all things Spidey and Alien. Is there a case for this actually happening, though? Could a xenomorph take down the web-slinger? Given that it is Spider-Man Week here at LockerGnome, we will give Peter Parker the edge by assuming the fight takes place in his universe.

As a child of the ’80s, I feel that there are three key factors to any Spider-Man fight: witty repartee, agility, and goo-throwing. Let us see how Spider-Man and a xenomorph stack up to one another. Given the dual mouths of the xenomorph do no talking and a lot of drooling, this is clearly a tick mark in favor of Spider-Man.

Agility is a bit tougher, but when you take into account the Queen alien’s somewhat hulking physique and the ease with which Parker flies around the city, Spider-Man wins again. Goo-throwing will be the closest category. I give Spider-Man the edge for having useful goo, but the xenomorph edges him out here for having corrosive everything and generally making a gooey mess of anything that crosses its path.

Spider-Man wins the fight; so how did he become implanted with the face hugger to result in the ultra creepy Venom Bottle Opener? Maybe we’re dealing with a completely different kind of alien, altogether.

Get your own Venom Bottle Opener here before someone retcons it for the sake of continuity!