This is the kind of content that makes me love Landover Baptist Church so much;
Kids. Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3
This brand new extended PlayStation 3 offer is for children and teenagers only. It may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist salvation offer.
Hey kids. If your Mom and Dad can’t get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE. Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He’s heard of you. And He wants you to have all the righteous toys your parents are too cheap to buy. In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they won’t give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves. And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy. If you’ve never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 3.
We here at Landover Baptist Church work full-time as servants of Jesus Christ, and He’s told us about you and your predicament. He’s also given us special instructions on how He wants us to deliver a new PlayStation 3 to your house. It’s as easy as 1-2-3. Understand, Jesus cares WAY more about you than your parents EVER will. They will never love you as much as Jesus loves you. Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they can’t get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, He completely understands. He is totally down with that. In fact, lucky for you, in order to follow Him, you are actually required to hate your parents.
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother…he cannot be my disciple.” – The Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 14:26)
Pretty sweet, huh? So, if you hate your parents, you are already halfway to becoming a True Christian™. Congratulations.
Here is what you need to do to get your free Play Station 3:
1. Tell Jesus that you hate your parents, and that you’d rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins, and cover you with His blood (you’ll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game).
2. Find one of your Mom or Dad’s credit cards (a blank check is even better)
3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents’ credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don’t worry if you can’t find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy’s checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk).
Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 3, just tell them that your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, delivered it to you via the U.S. Postal Service in exchange for your soul.
Landover Baptist’s PlayStation 3 comes with a complimentary modified version of the popular PS2 disk, Tony Hawk’s Underground. You can upload Jesus’ face into the game and automatically unlock all of the cheat codes to “God Mode,” so that Jesus can win every single level and perform incredible grab-tricks, spins, flips and stunts.
As a new Christian, you will want to share the good news of Jesus Christ with as many of your “peeps in the hood” as you can. The great thing about Tony Hawk’s Underground is that you can actually get off of your skateboard and walk around in the game and talk to other skaters about the Plan of Salvation. And if they don’t accept Jesus as their Personal Savior, you can kill them later. How kewl is that?
In addition, if you are interested in Christian computer games, Landover Baptist children use Bible-based-maps and characters in Unreal Tournament as part of their Christian Soldier training to help Jesus slaughter sinners in the final battle of Armageddon (which God willing, will happen during President George W. Bush’s second term).
(edited for spelling and punctuation)