This is going to be somewhat rant-y, but it’s not totally a rant. As opposed to being an angry/emotional tirade about something that will seem much more unimportant once you’ve actually finished rambling, thus feeling like a vent, and also service the pupose of making you laugh later, this post is a well-thought-out medly of emotional lamentation/rejoicing that goes far deeper than the area a rant would reach, and will linger in my heart for many moons to come.

This morning I have been sitting up for the longest time period since I’ve been unwell. It is a celebration. But being a human and all, I can’t sit around and be happy about that, heaven forbid. Instead I’m thinking about how lonely I am, even in my mother’s house, with love enough to smother me (in a good way). Which caused me to reach out in electronic ways that include Twitter and following links from there to Live Journal, instead of looking for material to inspire blogging today, or starting my next product or writing an article to promote the last product I successfully created.

And after being at livejournal five minutes, I’m all weepy and wishing I had a personal blog again. And thinking, didn’t I start all this four years ago so I could work around my illness and also be able to write my novel finally? Am I really where I want to be?

This may have started out as a search for a better and more flexible lifestyle in general, to give me more time to write. But it’s turned into a paper chase. The knowledge that I’m always one new, useful product away from paying next month’s bills in advance and going to buy shoes has spoiled me in some ways, cursed me in others, and in still other ways, freed me immensely.

Being 100% responsible for paying your bills (and often, someone else’s) makes you focus on money much more than you should. And it’s tainted my life and my thinking. I knew a new product would get me out of my current fix, and now I’m seeing the next two or three challenges before they get here and for the first time in a long time, I’m … not looking forward to it.

Any of it.

I just want to be able to write, and for it to support me comfortably, and to write about things I love and care about. Maybe not only. But I need a personal outlet again. So I don’t know if I’ll just suddently continue my diaryland account, or re-open my poetry/journal site or start something new. All I know right now is that I won’t have the energy, let alone the time for it until August, earliest. It took a team of 4 people working with me, synching my voice to video and me stayng up over 60 hours to get my last product out on time. A personal life would just make it all worse…

So today? I yearn.

Sigh.

[tags]rant, not really a rant, emotion, blogging, personal blogging, blogger, livejournal, live journal[/tags]