So on Twitter, I’m subscribed to/following confession, where I read “I have a crush on someone I’ve never met, but I love the sound of her voice and keep tripping over her on teh interwebs. Am I a stalker?” Yes, loser! You ARE a stalker! For people who don’t understand the difference between pining for your true love and being a friggin’ stalker, here are ten tips. First, watch this video.


  1. If you feel the same way Stephen Colbert feels in the Charlene video, You. Are. A. STALKER.
  2. If you ever say the “I’m not a stalker or anything” line, you my friend, are in fact a stalker.
  3. If you have a shrine to someone you haven’t dated in a long time, you are quite the stalker. And yes, three months is a long time. Don’t try to trick me with Stalker Math.
  4. If you PLAN accidental meetings more than once, with someone who has previously rejected your affections, you are also stalkerazzi.
  5. If you’ve been told repeatedly that your advances are unwanted, and yet… continue to pursue in any way, shape or form, you are a stalker. Piners love from AFAR in solitude, not on my front steps at four in the morning.
  6. If you’re calling my phone hoping to get my voicemail just to hear my voice, yes, Dennis, You Are My Stalker.
  7. If you’re making a scrapbook by Photoshopping yourself into pictures with me, whether or not you show them to people, you’re what’s known as a crazy stalker.
  8. If you’re harassing my friends for news about me because I’m NOT TALKING TO YOU, then oh yeah – you’re a friggin stalker. And a loser, because it takes a lot for me to just stop talking to someone.
  9. If you’re planning the injury/downfall/firing/murder of someone’s spouse so that you can be with someone, because you think, on your own that they were forced to marry someone else, and you think they’re unhappy, even when they told you that they are NOT, a stalker are you.
  10. If you’ve put ANY song containing the words, or a paraphrase of “And You’re Gonna Love Me” onto a CD and SENT IT to the girl you “admire,” guess what? That’s not a Valentine’s Day present. That’s a restraining order waiting to happen, you know… like the ones they give to…


However, if you just really like someone, and you’re shy, and you’re making polite advances that aren’t being taken as advances, so you very sweetly try again, with some flowers or a serenade at a reasonable hour, you’re just really enthusiastic and kind of sweet, yes, even if the person you love doesn’t love you back. It’s actually kind of sexy. What’s your number?