I think that shooting people who write TV commercials is too kind in some cases. One example would be the Sonic(?) fast food commercials. They take place at a drive-through in the car. There are always two (alleged) adults, shot very close up, reciting allegedly intelligent dialogue. Unfortunately it never comes across as intelligent dialogue. It comes across as two idiots in a car, saying idiotic things.

The absolutely most egregiously intolerable commercial to have ever darkened a TV screen is currently running. You know which one I’m talking about… “Hi, I’m Vince for Sham Wow.”

While I still have a shred of self-control, I’ll briefly describe this. Sham Wow is a chamois (shammy) cloth that’s very absorbent.  There’s no difference between Shammy A and  Shammy B, making the job particularly difficult on the seller, who has no choice but to lie outright.  Or to emphasize some sort of less physical attribute. “Buy our shammies because they’re 120% more shammy-like than the other brands! And they do not cause AIDS.”

Now our new hero, Vince, is right out of Central Casting.  Unfortunately Central Casting sent a crack addict wearing a headset that is normally used by guys selling vegetable slicers at flea markets.  Yes, Vince got up this morning and brushed his hair with a hand grenade or something similar.  Then he put in some super glue or goolike substance to hold it in place.  He looks just like he rolled off the floor and someone dragged him to work (behind a Volkswagen).  His left eyebrow is permanently arched up, making him look oddly quizzical.  I am assured that it happened after the first time he snorted gun powder.  Now he just snorts it because he has to.

Vince starts off extolling the virtues of this clothlike device, as if the lord had personally bestowed it upon him and he’s doing us a great favor by spreading the Word<tm>.

Vince goes on to say that the product picks up soda, pet urine, and twice its weight in liquid before applying pressure.  And Vince should know because the carpet he stumbles onto at night is no doubt full of soda and pet urine.

At one point he asks the cameraman if he’s following him.  Of course the cameraman is following him; he smells like soda and pet urine and they want to make the filming go very quickly.  No second takes.  No do-overs.

As if this weren’t enough to stop you from ever eating again, they go outside to have some overweight flea market denizens weigh in on the product.  Overweight flea market denizens who can’t read their lines particularly well. You keep saying to yourself, “And they got paid for this?”

“And if you order now, we’ll throw in a second Sham Wow”

Hold me back, folks… I’m about to start speaking in tongues.