I have a saying around the old leftystrat household and I take it with me wherever I go:

“F*$&ing Optimists.”

I use it often, generally in the presence of f*$&ing optimists, of which there are far too many.  No matter what happens, one of these blighters will appear, trying to Emphasize the Positive.

“Sorry I’m late; I hit a pothole the size of New Jersey.  It ate up two of my tires and three hours of my life.”

At least it was only two tires.”

I know this person meant well.  But apparently she felt the need to say something.  Unfortunately the need to say something frequently supersedes the need to make certain that what you say has even the slightest modicum of sanity about it.  The perfect example is when someone dies.  You get to hear all sorts of Things Better Left Unsaid, like `At least he’s in a better place.’   Gee, don’t you feel much better now?

Just for the record, I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist.

Upon seeing a half glass of Mountain Dew, the optimist will say the glass is half full.  The pessimist will say it’s half empty.  The realist will just drink it.

The kind of optimist with which I’m burdened will see a glass with a few drops of Mountain Dew in it and proclaim it three percent full.  This is a particularly virulent strain of optimist; one which does not respond to polite requests to GO AWAY (or death threats).

“I’ve never seen anything like it… the basement had two feet of water in it… my legs turned blue while I tried to pump it out.”

At least you have your health.”

“But two feet of water in the basement took out everything we have down there…”

At least it didn’t reach the first floor.”

“The dress my wife wore to her first wedding, that she got from her favorite aunt who died from cancer, is now in two hundred soggy, smelly pieces, from the front to the rear of the basement.”

Oh.  Well…  at least she wasn’t hurt.”

“I called my insurance company, which laughed at me on the phone because insurance doesn’t cover seepage.”

But the house is still standing, right?

[sound of gun shot]

So in the spirit of optimism, I give you the things for which I’m thankful:

  • the voices my wife hears are due to multiplicity, not schizophrenia
  • the stereo hernias I thought I had might be only mono
  • my wife only needed one tire after hitting debris in the road
  • the laptop only needed restarting the last time it stopped working
  • messages randomly disappear from my inbox, but if I Search, I can find them
  • health insurance covers all of our maladies, provided we give it all of our money plus copays
  • we have lovely windows, even though none face the sun at any point
  • I have some great guitars, even though I have never been able to find a decent band
  • no Cost of Living raise but they kept the health insurance increase down to ten percent
  • yes, I may be clinically depressed but I could never kill myself (or most others)
  • my computers routinely do things even their designers could not fathom – but I somehow manage to fix them.  Constantly.

What I’m really thankful for is that I get to rant and you come by to read it.

Happy Thanksgiving and good health to all.