In a letter titled “What our Microsoft deal means to you”  Yahoo salesperson CEO Carol Bartz gives an insincere apology for screwing the troops, without thinking twice.

It’s inhumanly early in California, but it’s already a great day at Yahoo!. We’ve just signed a major search deal with Microsoft. Under the terms, Microsoft will become the search engine behind Yahoo! and we will become the worldwide exclusive relationship sales force for both companies’ premium search advertisers.

Translation –  I have been up all night partying like a rock star, knowing that my personal fortune has increased immensely, and though I’ve sold our collective souls to Satan, we will enjoy ourselves immensely until we die … then, the cheese gets binding. In truth we are already dead, but though we are on our collective way to hell, at least we’ll enjoy the ride.

While you’ll read a lot about why this is good for our business and for advertisers, I want to talk about what’s in it for you–the Yahoo! fan.

Pay close attention, because no one else will tell you this, just this way; everyone else will want to confuse you with facts.

Here’s the rundown:

Better search: You’ll still find search boxes all across Yahoo!, but this deal will make the difference between a great Yahoo! search experience and an awesome one. Some of the biggest brains in the business work on Yahoo! Search, and they will continue to innovate to create a better search experience on Yahoo!. As a result of the deal, Microsoft, which has great technologists and deep pockets,will have the scale to bring users faster, more useful and more personally relevant search.

And if you believe me, I have a great deal on retirement property in Florida for all of you, it will make your dollars go much further, you simply must learn to wear scuba gear and hold a shock prod 24/7.

Better everything else: With Microsoft powering Yahoo! Search, we’ll be able to focus on the things we do best–being the center of people’s lives online with properties like our homepage, mail, finance, news, sports, entertainment, mobile, etc. Sure, we’re the world’s largest online media company and your loyalty has made that possible. But we’re not satisfied–we still want you to say “wow” a lot more often. And that’s what makes this deal especially exciting.

Better still, we (actually I) will be able to concentrate more on what we (I, sorry, I keep forgetting that) do best, selling out and planning staggered layoffs. We want you to say Wow, you know, in the same way that Microsoft brought the Wow 3 years ago, with Vista,

Better competition: Competition equals innovation. But with one player dominating 70% of search, that field has been pretty lopsided. This transaction will create a healthy competitor that’ll keep everyone on their toes.

Frankly, I don’t believe this myself, but Darth Ballmer told me to include it, it’s his idea of humor.

In short, everything’s just going to get a whole lot better for you.

And one final note–what this agreement does not cover is any of Yahoo!’s other properties or products. In those areas, Microsoft can expect a fierce competitor.

We’ve set up a special site, www.choicevalueinnovation.com, that answers your questions.

Carol Bartz
CEO

In short, I really can’t say anymore, for legal reasons, Microsoft already has enough troubles with things in Europe. Thanks for pretending to believe me, it makes the deception almost seem possible. Yes, as for competition, I’ll be sitting on a beach somewhere, pretending to come up with ideas, but, I have a premonition that none will be better than the ones coming our way from Redmond. A quick tip, stock up on Preparation H.

Yes, it’s almost like reading ‘Alice in Wonderland’. yet having no idea that Lewis Carroll was experimenting with drugs.

***Update:

I just watched the video clips for the Yahoo – Microsoft deal, with Ballmer looking incredibly unlike the CEO of a company, even a small one. His unease while speaking made me think he was lying the entire time he was speaking. He simply oozes untrustworthiness.

Bartz looked as though she had to be tranquilized to give her side of the speech. She was more likable than Ballmer, but did not do much better. Both of these people looked like bad actors in a high school play.

By the way, the clips were shown on Nightly Business Report on PBS. Along with the videos, there were some interviews with stock market honchos, all of them stating that the deal was bad for Yahoo…that Yahoo could have gotten more to lie down and die… and also that Ballmer and Bartz are dreaming if they believe they can seriously challenge Google.

It’s great when those of us on the outside are vindicated by the professionals! BTW, the Yahoo stock, and to some degree, the Microsoft stock, tanked on the market, showing that investors were underwhelmed by the news.

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A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.Henry Ford

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