It’s quite hip to be “green” these days, isn’t it? If you’re not “green,” well you’re destroying our environment. You’re killing all the cute squirrellies and bunny-wabbits in the forest. Make sure to only buy “green” things, and you’re helping the environment!

Wait a second. All these “green” people don’t want us to change the earth from its natural state, correct? If that is correct then you must all be hypocrites. That’s right, I said wrote it, hypocrites. Your first reaction, “No! I am not a hypocrite! I buy only green things! My carbon footprint is -50! Al Gore is God!” Okay, so you probably didn’t do the last sentence. Why am I calling these “green” people hypocrites? Let me ask a few questions:

Do these “green” people own:

-Cell Phones? Check.

-Computers? Check.

-Automobiles? Check!

=iPods/Portable Meda Devices? Check!

-Televisions? Check!

-Microwaves? Well Check and is this list through yet?

-Disposable diapars? Check, for any parents in the last… 20 or so years.


Being “green” is the latest fad. It’s not a cultural movement, it’s just hip to be green. If you’re not, you’re ostracised, called ignorant, called stupid, called almost any name in the book. They still drive their automobiles, they still use their cell phones, they still use electricity. What would being truly “green” mean?

First, use nothing disposable, nothing manufactured, not even clothes. Even if it was handmade, at some point down the line some part of it came out of a factory somewhere, came by truck to a store and you bought it. The closest people to being “green” would probably be the Amish people. Still, even they aren’t truly “green.”

They change the earth, they build houses, build fences, and subjugate animals. No one is truly green because if they were, they would die pretty soon. Even by walking, even by eating, you are changing an ever changing environment. You seek the self-satisfaction of saying, “Well, I’m ‘green’, my actions don’t hurt the environment! You’re not green, yours do! You’re ruining our beautiful planet and all the fish in the sea will die and we will stop breathing air and fish will lay dead in the water with an ‘X’ for an eye, breathing out smog. That’s what that cartoon thingy said.”

Don’t you see? Whatever side you’re on, the environment will change, we change it with every step we walk, every breath we draw into our lungs, even when we blink. (We move the natrual air molecules that shouldn’t be moved!) I’m sick of this. I call you “green” thumbs’ bluff. You can’t go truly “green,” it’s impossible. Now excuse me while I go about believing that there is enough doubt cast upon manmade global warming to warrant not believing in it. I know, heresy, right? Chase out the nonbeliever. Wake me when the fad is over.