Over at his blog on Geeks, Eric Fox gives us this paranoid pizza pondering:
Ever heard the phrase, “I don’t suffer from paranoia, I enjoy every minute of it!” and wondered exactly what that means? Then you probably won’t understand this blog. But for the rest of you, please read on.
Anyone else notice the little crumbs that fall off of the bottom of a pizza? It’s not part of the crust — it just sticks to the bottom of the pizza. It always falls off in the box, or on your plate, or sticks to your lips, but a significant amount does make it into your mouth. So, why do we eat it? Why are we putting things into our mouths when we don’t know what they are? What if it’s something you really don’t want to eat?
What could these crumbs be, anyway? If they are part of the crust, then why are they stuck to the bottom of it instead of being baked in like the rest of the dough? What if it’s crumbs from the other pizzas that they have baked? How old is the bread you just stuck in your mouth and swallowed? That’s not something I want to be eating. What if it’s not bread? What if it’s not food at all? Maybe the pizza companies wanted to know what kind of ingredients the customers liked, and the best way was to plant tiny sensors into their pizzas that look like simple bread crumbs. Every slice of pizza you eat adds another couple dozen sensors into your body which send signals to their computers to let them know what to change in their recipe to get people to like them better. It doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but it’s a huge invasion of privacy. What if the sensors aren’t from the pizza companies? What if they’re from the government? What if they want to keep track of where people are, and how healthy they are? Again, a good thing, but a huge invasion of privacy.
But what if it’s not our government, but another one? What if aliens wanted to stick those sensors on our pizza? Yes, it all makes sense now! Aliens have planted tiny robotic sensors onto the bottoms of our pizza crust to learn the tastes of the human population in an effort to control the food market, thus controlling the people of the Earth! These small droids are hovering in our bodies until they safely pass through with the rest of the waste, taking information about our bodies, giving the aliens our secrets and weaknesses. Once in the stream of our water, they will collect together, force their way into the lakes and rivers of our planet, taking in more information of the strengths, weaknesses and secrets of the planet. Eventually, the tiny robot ninja sensors will wind up in the earth, taking control of the plant life, waiting until the aliens give the signal to poison our food, drain our lakes and rivers and siphon it off for their mobile army of trees, seaweed and house plants that will enslave the humans to grow more plants to rule over them and populate other planets; the aliens are actually a plant-like people that hate this entire planet for its over abundance of creatures that eat their kind. They go from planet to planet, enslaving or destroying the inhabitants and freeing their kind from the horrible role nature has given them: simple food for those of the flesh!
Warn your neighbors! Tell the press! Burn the lawyers! The Foliage-Cyborgs from outer space are coming to enslave us all! We must prepare to fight back! Get those missile silos in space to point outward to defend ourselves from the coming invasion with their first-strike capabilities! We can win the war, before it is too late! Don’t give up! We still have a chance! Destroy the forests! Drain the oceans! STOP EATING PIZZA! For the love of God, stop eating pizza! It was started by the French! They’re in on it! Run for you lives!
The truth is out there!
Whew. That was intense. *Grabs a slice of pizza.*