Yes, I work in the Twilight Zone<tm>. When you come through the front door, you see a life size cutout of Rod Serling. The door plays the Twilight Zone theme as it closes. The people within are still arguing about which door is the front, which is the side, and which is the rear. This has gone on for longer than I have been employed at the Zone.
The Support Department’s motto is “Support. Doesn’t.”
There is a yellow brick road and a small pool with plastic ducks.
Every department has its own particular idiosyncracies, yet they all like to point the finger at another when discussing which is the most dysfunctional department of all. There are at least two departments whose sole activity seems to be updating their Facebook status. Forty percent of the web traffic is YouTube (on a slow day). And if fantasy sports leagues were disallowed, the entire company would shut down (after it got done shopping online for shoes).
There was an IT Committee meeting a year ago that consisted of department heads from every department (except IT).
Many readers of this blog are looking around nervously, recognizing behaviors and trying to convince themselves that this is not a story about their employer, I have not been following them around for a week, and their picture is not going to be found halfway down the page.
The one who spends a lot of time at grannysphonesexbrothel.com is especially fidgety right now.
The folks who generate a bunch of the corporate income and therefore are too busy to speak to you are right now busily checking Facebook and playing online games. They were completely indignant last month when we explained to them (over and over and over) why they couldn’t attach a two gigabyte file to an email.
There are several very large copier/printers all over the office. They spend most of their time being out of service. This is because:
- they’re Canons
- the employees don’t understand why they have to remove paper clips and staples before copying, thus they don’t.
Then there’s Management.
Management doesn’t understand why they need all this technology all over the place. By technology, they mean things like computers and servers.
One of them walked into the IT office a few weeks ago and damn near had a panic attack due to all the technology in the room. She had to sit down to stop hyperventilating. Would I lie to you?
Management got together to do some thinking recently. Management is never more dangerous than when they think. A lesser blogger would throw something in here about Management’s almost genetic inability to perform the most basic elements of thought, but I’m not that blogger.
After six months of watching an incompetent manager fail to manage, something needed to be done. True to form, the higher-ups in Management went right ahead and formed a committee. This committee met for six intensive weeks before coming up with a plan. The plan was sheer brilliance. They decided, after another four weeks of meetings, to call it The Plan.
The Plan was so super secret, even the committee didn’t know what it was. It was that kind of plan.
Once The Plan went into operation, there was no stopping the committee. They immediately got busy with a grueling schedule of meetings (some without food!). After a further four months, The Plan was finally revealed.
Since The Plan is so super secret, I am going to have to swear my reader(s) to secrecy over it. If you repeat a word of this, I shall be forced to deny it; and further, if found guilty, you will be forced to attend committee meetings for the next six years.
The Plan was such:
THAT GUY (pointing at random manager) has to tell the manager who was failing to manage, to manage. Or else.
Since the members of the committee observed that the blame was not being put on them, they voted for The Plan unanimously.
MONTHS later, it was observed that the manager who was told by his manager to manage (or else), was not managing to manage. Hastily the committee went into another round of meetings. It was then that The Next Plan emerged.
After the next arduous months of meetings, the committe finally delivered the text of The Next Plan:
THAT GUY (pointing at same manager) has to tell the manager who was failing to manage, to manage. Or else he’d be fired. [insert ominous music]
Words cannot describe the applause that greeted The Next Plan. Applause for the ending of the tension. Applause for not having to meet again. Applause in the vain hope that the committee members would see their families again some time soon.
MORE months later, it came to the attention of the committee that even though they had implemented The Next Plan, the manager still had not come into line. His subordinates were running roughshod over him and he was actually doing their work by staying late (and consuming record amounts of amphetamines).
Since the need for immediate action was apparent, the committee sprang instantly into inaction and decided on more meetings.
MEANWHILE another committee is delirious with joy that we will be able to welcome some transgendered/transsexual coworkers sometime in the very near future. Some wag suggested removing the signs on the restroom doors.
FURTHER MEANWHILE the company suddenly discovered that the projections for next year were dire. Something needed to be done or no one would get raises (except Management). Since no one could possibly have seen the potential decrease in income (because the company succeeded in spite of itself), they solicited cost-cutting ideas from the rank and file. Rest assured, the ideas were rank and filed.
The best bean counters in the company, once pried from their daily meetings for the purpose of planning their next meetings, could not find anywhere to cut costs. Several bearded people suggested, via the anonymous tip box (with the security camera over it) that someone look at the CIO, who had racked up over one million dollars in faulty software projects that died during or before implementation.
Due to the amount of cost-cutting suggestions, immediate meetings were convened. Despite weeks and weeks of meetings, no one could locate the million dollars. Or the CIO.
THE way I see it, we have only to wait until the committee is done this series of intensive meetings so they can announce The Other Next Plan, which will hopefully consist of firing the incompetents and hiring a few people who don’t have to bring up Google to type in a URL. People who complain that the internet is down if they can’t bring up Internet Explorer. Folks who believe that if there is no desktop icon, a program is not installed. Employees who can use Limewire but not Excel. Coworkers who don’t scream bloody murder when asked to walk to a printer ten feet farther away than their normal one.
To dream…. the impossible dream…..
MARKETING has been consulted on a few new corporate slogans:
- Working here is like trying to stab someone to death with a plastic spoon.
- In order to work here, you have to take an IQ test and flunk.
- This is the place to be (if you like plastic ducks).