I have said it before and I’ll repeat it: I work in the Twilight Zone.  Where gravity is merely a suggestion.  Where the indoor duck pond meets the yellow brick road.  Where the IT Committee is made up of department heads from every department except IT.

Today’s bit of cultural enlightenment is brought to you by the House of Grease and the number negative two.

The lovebirds were not getting along well today.  I thought we might have to call in the departmental counselors.  Let me explain: the lovebirds is my respectful term for the two married heterosexual guys who sit next to me.  They verbally harangue each other all day long and, I suspect, by text message in their off hours.  If they were of opposite gender, people would think they were married by the way they appeared to fight.

It must have started when one of them took his wife to the Chinese place where the work crew eats sometimes.  When the wife went to powder her nose, Lovebird #1 texted Lovebird #2 that there was a new, hot waitress.  Today at work, Lovebird #2 went to the restaurant for lunch to see for himself.  Finding no hot waitress, Lovebird #2 proceeded to hurl huge gobs of steaming verbal abuse at Lovebird #1, accusing him of lying and saying he could never trust his word on anything again.

This apparently went on so long that, to prove his side of the story, Lovebird #1 called the Chinese restaurant, on his 150 decibel speakerphone (with subwoofer), to ask about the new waitress in the red dress.  She turned out to be less fictional than we thought, whether or not we were interested in the call.

BUT WAIT…….

Aside from being a character, I work with a lot of characters.  Two particular characters come to mind… one tall dude happens to be gay.  I didn’t know this but while walking to our cars after work, he casually inserted that fact into the conversation.  It turned out that he casually inserts that fact into almost every conversation with almost every coworker.  His desk neighbor is a perfectly nice lady who, given a sentence, manages to mention she’s single and dating whenever possible.  The obvious solution would be to put them together, if it weren’t for that gay thing

Speaking of gay, another coworker was visiting his gay friend the other night and inquired about a picture he had on the wall.  It looked familiar but he just couldn’t figure out why.  He asked who that was and the answer was, of course, a gay porn star.

Later that night it finally hit him: that gay porn star works with us in the Twilight Zone; you  know – the guy who always manages to mention that he’s gay.  That’s why the picture looked familiar.

After a long day at work, I realized this required action.  I hit Google immediately, to look for our famous coworker.  And there he was, right in the first link – a box cover of one of his movies.  In all his (semi-clothed) glory.

In the process, we also furthered our cultural education by learning about `bears’:

In gay slang, the term “bear” refers to male individuals who possess physical attributes much like a bear, such as a heavy build, abundant body hair, and commonly facial hair.  [wikipedia]

It is at this point I feel it necessary to state that our company is not just culturally diverse, it is aggressively culturally diverse.  We were notified that we will be working with the transgendered and we had better like it if we wished to continue working there.

Not wishing to keep this wonderful information to myself, I sent another coworker off to Google to find the same box cover I did.  To say that he liked it would be a gross understatement.  He immediately made it his Windows wallpaper, displacing his Led Zeppelin logos that had been there for years.

Another coworker immediately set to further researching the apparently illustrious career of our brother, the porn star.  Apparently he was a big deal (so to speak) in the industry.  He had titles.  Someone asked if he was doing porn under his real name: I suggested that he was working with us under his porn name.

The ears of our lone young female perked up and she got the same eyeful as the rest of us.  She was most amused to be working with a genuine porn star.

I’m looking at this a bit differently.  I turned to my coworker, the pastor, who was fully immersed in the gawking, and noted that this was just like Bedazzled: it was God’s punishment.  We always said we wanted to work with a porn star and –POOF– we were working with a porn star.  Unfortunately of the wrong gender.

The lesson here?  BE SPECIFIC.

AND YOUR LITTLE NEPHEW TOO…

The wife was off visiting the nephews today.   She had to tell me the talk of the entire family.  Nephew #1, all of six, brought home his first library book today.  It was about Betty and Barney Hill, the first and best-documented case of alien abduction in history.  His parents must be horrified that their bright little child is so much like their slightly fuzzy, weird brother with the bizarre interests….

AND IN CLOSING…

There is simply no way to top this day (on purpose, at least).  All that was left was to drive home and park.  I noticed this in the parking lot:

random car door