Yeah, I’m the last blogger in the world who doesn’t use Faceyspaces. The final man for whom twit refers only to a Monty Python sketch. The only credibility I maintain is that I still pick on AOLies.
Yesterday, one of my beloved coworkers lamented being unfriended by someone on Facebook. It occurred to me that this could be a new goal: to become unfriended by everyone on Faceyspaces. This lifted my mood incredibly – right up til I was informed that one needs a Faceyspace account to be unfriended by everybody.
In the cruel near-light of morning, I realized this must be related to my other goal of being excommunicated. Apparently one needs to be Catholic first, before getting excommunicated. Blast these trivialities!
So I gathered the best minds at work… OK, the most creative minds at work… no… the minds at work that came in early with me together and we started work on the Next Brilliant Idea<tm>. What, you ask, is the NBI?
The NBI is the Facebook HATE. We will call Zuckerberg (you call Zuckerberg – he doesn’t take my calls) and tell him we need to supplement the FRIEND button with the HATE button. This way we don’t have to stop at merely being unfriended – we can be HATEd! We will build up HATE POINTS, with the highest HATEd eligible for Fun Prizes.
Since the likelihood of this happening is roughly equivalent to the IRS admitting it is a terrorist organization and folding up, we shall be forced to proceed to the NEXT Next Best Idea<tm>.
Since antisocialnetwork.com has already be claimed, one of the Most Current Minds at work suggested DEFACEBOOK. I was shocked: not only was it great – he is an avid Facebooker himself.
The plan thus far is that everyone will sign up for Defacebook, where the only choice will be to lurk or to HATE. Pretty soon, everybody will HATE everyone else and all semblance of social networking will grind to a screeching halt. We can all brag about being HATEd by certain popular people. The people with the most HATEs qualify for a special perk: DEATH.
DEATH is nature’s cleansing mechanism, so DEFACEBOOK will co-opt it. With DEATH status, nothing at all happens, thus eliminating any sort of time wasting. After a while, all the HATEs will turn to DEATH, thus taking care of the administration. It bloody well (doesn’t) run itself!
All of this brilliance, naturally, will result in megabucks for my coworkers and me. Or at very least, me. I want no movie or biography; just money. And some hits on this stinkin’ blog, dammit.