Shut Down Computer or Leave It Running?
Bondo Wumply annoys everyone he meets and prompts us to wonder how to delete friends on Facebook. (Photo by Jason DeFillippo)

Why would you ever want to know how to delete friends on Facebook? Friends are wonderful, aren’t they? Almost always, yes.

Facebook is a great way for long-lost friends to reacquaint themselves and for families to remain in touch in between the annual reunions. So it stands to reason that the longer you use it, the more that friends and family will find you and add you over time — and vice versa.

But we all know how people drift apart and the bonds that tie us at one point sometimes serve to strangle us at others.

Bondo Wumply is a rough customer who keeps loud company with scoundrels. Bondo Wumply blights his own neighborhood with excessive merrymaking, which he then blames on the kindly Portuguese octogenarians next door when the constables show up to investigate. Bondo Wumply interjects Valley Girl slang into everyday conversation. Bondo Wumply never misses a chance to say he told you so. Bondo Wumply steals your significant other and trades them down river for ducats on the dollar. Bondo Wumply is a broken egg for friendship, and he would steal air to sell you breath.

Bondo Wumply is no friend of mine. At least anywhere that isn’t Facebook. But how can I delete friends on Facebook? Is such a thing even possible?

Oh, it wasn’t always this way. Once, Bondo Wumply and I were inseparable — like brothers, the townspeople would say. We would split cheese wheels down at the inn and tell tall tales to one another over mugs of spiced, home-brewed cider while relaxing on furnishings sustainably carved from local hardwoods. Afternoon would turn to evening, and evening would turn to the barkeep shaking her broom at us menacingly until we would stumble off into the night turning to morning. But then there was that whole “lunch meat” incident that led to a veritable daytime drama series of betrayal, spoken in the universal language of shame (no subtitles required).

Obviously, knowing how to delete friends on Facebook and — once and for all — be rid of the plague known as Bondo Wumply would only benefit my sense of everything being right with the universe. Have you ever wondered how to delete friends on Facebook? Let me lead you through it so that you can be rid of the Bondo Wumplys in your life, too. It’s actually pretty darned simple.

Look up the offending entity’s name on Facebook.

Facebook: How to Delete Friends Tutorial

Select them from the list and then navigate to the word Friends to the right of their name. Scroll over it to get the drop-down menu. Select Unfriend (you’ll find it at the very bottom, which is incidentally the part of the barrel whence jerks like Bondo Wumply are scraped).

Facebook: How to Delete Friends Tutorial

Enjoy the freedom from ever seeing another vapid update from this now-unfriend, again!

Lather, rinse, and repeat until all jerkwads are banished forever from your sight… at least as far as Facebook is concerned. If you’re lucky enough to live in another area code from said jerkwads, chances of seeing them at the supermarket and having to explain why you’ve unfriended them are diminished. (This is ideal.)

Should the unfriended ever notice that they’ve been unfriended and try to request friendship again (either because they cluelessly think that they’ve accidentally been removed from your roster of pals or they’re just trying to annoy you), you can block them. In case you missed it in the haste to exile them from sight and mind, the “are you sure?” screen tells you exactly what to do in this instance:

Facebook: How to Delete Friends Tutorial

Locked, stocked, and blocked! There. Aren’t you glad you know how to delete friends from Facebook now?

You. Are. Welcome.