5 Ways the Galactic Empire Fails at HospitalityMother always used to tell me that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Why she thought I had even a passing interest in attracting vermin into our house is only somewhat less surprising than her encouragement for me to do so — but moms work in mysterious ways. I guess the point she was trying to make is that being nice to people will get you further in life than being a jerk to them.

In the Star Wars Galaxy, the haughty Empire demands the unquestioning obedience of its subjects by waging a cruel campaign of endless oppression and shocking acts of unfathomable destruction against them. In short, the Empire is run by a bunch of jerks who carry metaphorical Super Soakers full of vinegar.

As an inquisitive Michael Palin might tell it, amongst the Empire’s weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor. But what weapon is missing from the Empire’s vast, planet-smashing arsenal? The honey of hospitality. Maybe if the Empire could try being a little nicer to its populace, said populace might stop forming rebel alliances to resist its jurisdiction.

Alas, here are five ways the Galactic Empire fails at hospitality:

Dreadful Beer

Old Palpatine Galactic Imperial Stout by Brewery Coruscant is nowhere near as good as Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout by North Coast Brewing Company. One was inspired by a cranky, old, hubris-bloated mystic who was hard to kill. And so was the other one.

Dreadful Glassware

Fragile Imperial glassware is inferior to the more resilient quality of what you’ll find in the bars, restaurants, homes, and battle stations of Rebel Alliance systems. Chance of breaking when mixed with standard levels of human clumsiness is somewhat greater than “one in a million.”

Dreadful at Finding Things

With a boss as intolerant of failure as Darth Vader, you’d think your typical Imperial lackey would be somewhat attentive to detail. But if a couple of ’em can’t find the droids they’re looking for in spite of said droids being smack dab under the plain daylight of not one, but two suns, don’t count on them being able to pull together enough ingredients to make you a decent breakfast, either.

Dreadful Manners

Speaking of Darth Vader and his aforementioned, albeit incompetent lackeys, the Empire seems to have a really weird — borderline kinky — obsession with masks just this side of knowing when to say “Fidelio.” An army of expressionless faces might be unsettling enough to coerce many would-be rebels into submission, but let’s be honest: it’s not polite.

Dreadful Coffee

Most citizens of the Empire resign themselves to standing in long lines and accepting whatever passes for coffee in the state-sanctioned swill mills so common beneath the Imperial heel of tyranny. But the rebels among us will always seek out better (as one demonstrates below)!