Dear Shabby: Internet Search Question

Today we inaugurate an occasional new series called Dear Shabby.  Shabigail is an Internet Guru par excellence who we found on Craigslist (where the hooker ads used to be).  Let’s see how Lockergnome’s first internet anti-social advice column goes….

———————–

Dear Shabby:

In the course of my work, I need to purchase some of those handheld implements with one end that’s really sharp to help me open stuff.

My question:  If I put `boxcutter’ into Google, how long until the TSA, NSA, FAA, FBI and local police visit me in one of those nice large SWAT vans?

———————–

Dear Shabby:

I noticed with great surprise that the French were first into Libya, with their air force delivering quite the bombing.  Why haven’t we heard these kinds of stories about the French in the past ten or twenty years?

-Puzzled in PA

Dear Puzzled:

A very good question.   The reason you haven’t heard much from the French air force is that their best scientists have been laboring twenty years over their latest breakthrough: a white flag you can wave from a jet.


Are There Really Socialists on Mars?

RELIGION DYING?

A recent study claims that religion may be dying in nine countries.  It’s a shame that the US didn’t make the top nine.  It’s not that religion is bad by itself – it’s just that some of its practitioners are not entirely well.  Not sure I agree with the study either, which seems to be based upon an increasing number of people claiming no religious affiliation.

Not related to the above in any way is pole dancing for Jesus.  Funny, that might actually affect religious affiliation…..

EXERCISE-THE SILENT KILLER

Sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity, such as exercise or sex, can radically increase the odds of a heart attack.

I have long maintained that exercise is not only immoral and ridiculous, but horribly bad for you.  The nice folks at Tufts Medical Center in Boston have gone forth and scientifically proven my point.

Now technically, this is not one of those articles of which you want to read only the headline.  What the study actually says is that physical activity increases your odds of a heart attack three times; from approximately one in ten thousand to three in ten thousand.

I wish to add that they are only speaking of exercise – NOT SEX.    And if you wish to claim that sex is exercise, I will be forced to repeat what I told a girlfriend years back: if you insist on referring to it as exercise, I shall stop doing it.

SILLY SOCIALIST

Venezuela’s president (and chief opponent of sanity), Hugo Chavez, has stated that capitalism may have ended life on Mars.  Hugo (who frequently insists on being called Cindy) said that if capitalists arrived on Mars, they may have killed off all life.  Well, we have to give Cindy credit for at least not making the statement definitive.

WHERE THE WIMMEN AT?

Here’s an interesting article from SXSW about women fighting for their `place’ in tech.  The only thing the article is missing is objectivity from the trenches.  During my many years in tech, I have yet to find anyone barring the door with their body to prevent women from getting in.  In fact, the majority of women I have interviewed have been not up for the task or haven’t bothered showing up.  Where’s this alleged fight?  Where are the women?

Obligatory Firefox 4 Review [Surprise!]

Ok, so I’m not the first to the post here.  I’m just another behind-it-blogger.

I’m primarily a linux user but have to maintain one Windows 7 virtual machine for work.  The update process for Windows is a real tough one: Help, Check for updates.  Boom, Firefox goes to town, downloads the new version, then prompts you to install.  So easy even your MIS department can do it.

It came back up quickly, with all tabs intact.  Nicely done.

Unfortunately my cookie extension was not compatible, sending me off to locate anther one.  Because there are so many extensions with the word cookie in them, allow me to suggest Cookie Monster.

UI CHANGES

Well, let’s face it: everyone seems to be talking mostly about user interface changes.  In fact, it seems to be the only thing people are interested in from new releases.  Sometimes it seems to be the only thing the designers allow to concern them.

In this case, my first impression is that that the design changes seem arbitrary.  The bottom bar, where I’m used to seeing status and plugins has gone missing.  Some icons have been moved up to and moved around on the bar.  I’m not seeing any reason for this.  There is now an add-on bar.  I am also not seeing the value here… why not simply keep the existing bar?

Bookmark and Reload have been moved all the way to the right, at the end of the url bar.  While I suppose this makes sense organizationally, I find it inconvenient.

I use an add-on called Disable Menu, which does what the `upgrade’ does: hides the menu.  It was useless on Windows, while it worked on linux.

Another favorite is LittleFox, which makes everything take up less space to maximize what the browser displays.  When I removed this, I got a look at the stock view.

Yuck.

But then again, I hate everything.

Again, I’m just not seeing the reason for the redesign.

WHAT ELSE?

Tab groups allows you to name a group of tabs.  I see this coming in handy in the near future.

As for performance, it seems to be a bit more snappy but not to any great degree.  Will advise further as I use it.

WHAT OF LINUX?

If it’s not in your distro’s repositories (which it won’t be), you’ll need to download it from Mozilla.  It comes in a tar.gz package, which must be uncompressed and the browser will run from there.  It will make use of your existing settings.

For *buntu, learn how to get your packages installed here. [thanks, JP]

I suggest you try it.  If you don’t like it, delete the uncompressed folder and you’re back to your previous version.

UPDATE…

After a few more hours, I have discovered that the complaints about moving things around can be satisfied by simply re-moving them to wherever makes sense (aka where they used to be).  Also check under the VIEW menu to move the tabs bar back, if this is important to you.

I enabled the add-on bar and dragged icons back to it.

The linux version seems to be more stable thus far – the Windows version has been less than perfect.  The session restore has bombed out twice…. nothing serious.

No – Not Again!

I’m having the most horrible flashbacks.

The worst and earliest is sitting on a plane, packed like sardines, parked on the tarmac.  As we’re taxiing to the runway, the captain came on and announced that we were at war with Iraq.  This was the absolute last thing my wife, a white-knuckle flyer at the best of times, needed to hear.  In a sense, it’s the absolute last thing any of us needed to hear.

I bring this up because this is how I felt when I heard we are now at war with Libya.  I suppose technically this will be referred to as some sort of peace effort (war is peace, you know), strictly to put an end to the activities of Khadaffi/Gadafi/Qadaffhi/Putzatti or however his name is spelled this particular day of the week.

Here’s my quasi-libertarian point of view: we don’t belong there.  I have a strict non-interventionist policy.  In fact, I’d bring our brave men and women home from Iraq and Afghanistan this very moment.  We don’t belong there either.  Not our fight.

In addition, the arguments in this region have gone on far longer than we’ve been a country.  We are not going to solve them.  They probably won’t solve them either.

THE ARAB LEAGUE

I haven’t heard much from or about the Arab League until this week.  They have been suspiciously silent about Libya.  Well, when I say silent, I mean they kept their sanctimonious mouths shut until someone else came in with the heavy equipment, then started to complain.

I’d like to suggest the Arab League, and/or Libya’s neighbors, clean up this mess.  There is absolutely no reason the US needs to be involved.  Jeebus, man, the first bombers in were from France.  When in your life did you think you’d ever hear that phrase?

OBAMA

President Giveaway, upon hearing about this crisis, sprang immediately to inaction and started talking about his March Madness brackets.  Yes, kids, I’m faulting him for this.  I am also faulting him for eventually charging into Libya, as if we were the only ones capable of effecting action (or, pardon the word, change).

Candidate Obama, 2007:

“The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation,” Obama responded.

Oops.

This must be part of the change Obama promised.  He behaved exactly as Bush the Second did in Iraq.

THE U.N.

The UN is a blight on our soil.  I have long suggested that in lieu of our alleged back payments, we simply give the building away (provided the losing country physically takes it elsewhere).

We are allegedly in Libya as part of the UN, but we seem to be leading the charge.  Other countries look to us, apparently.  Other countries need to have this notion removed from their noggins.

RUSSIA

Russia is busy abstaining from the UN fracas, along with China.  Putin said he’s tired of the trend of US military intervention.  Quite frankly, I have to agree with him.

**********

Apropos of nothing, Michael Moore just suggested Obama give back his Nobel Peace Prize.  I don’t often find myself agreeing with Michael Moore, but this time….

And just to remind everyone that Libya isn’t the only place run by a total loon, Ahmadinejad has stated that God has chosen his successor.  Only God knows, and no one’s tellin’.

The Anti-Social Network (Pt. 2)

Yeah, I’m the last blogger in the world who doesn’t use Faceyspaces.  The final man for whom twit refers only to a Monty Python sketch.   The only credibility I maintain is that I still pick on AOLies.

Yesterday, one of my beloved coworkers lamented being unfriended by someone on Facebook.  It occurred to me that this could be a new goal: to become unfriended by everyone on Faceyspaces.  This lifted my mood incredibly – right up til I was informed that one needs a Faceyspace account to be unfriended by everybody.

In the cruel near-light of morning, I realized this must be related to my other goal of being excommunicated.  Apparently one needs to be Catholic first, before getting excommunicated.  Blast these trivialities!

So I gathered the best minds at work… OK, the most creative minds at work… no… the minds at work that came in early with me together and we started work on the Next Brilliant Idea<tm>.  What, you ask, is the NBI?

Good question.

The NBI is the Facebook HATE.  We will call Zuckerberg (you call Zuckerberg – he doesn’t take my calls) and tell him we need to supplement the FRIEND button with the HATE button.  This way we don’t have to stop at merely being unfriended – we can be HATEd!  We will build up HATE POINTS, with the highest HATEd eligible for Fun Prizes.

Since the likelihood of this happening is roughly equivalent to the IRS admitting it is a terrorist organization and folding up, we shall be forced to proceed to the NEXT Next Best Idea<tm>.

Since antisocialnetwork.com has already be claimed, one of the Most Current Minds at work suggested DEFACEBOOK.  I was shocked: not only was it great – he is an avid Facebooker himself.

The plan thus far is that everyone will sign up for Defacebook, where the only choice will be to lurk or to HATE.   Pretty soon, everybody will HATE everyone else and all semblance of social networking will grind to a screeching halt.  We can all brag about being HATEd by certain popular people.  The people with the most HATEs qualify for a special perk: DEATH.

DEATH is nature’s cleansing mechanism, so DEFACEBOOK will co-opt it.  With DEATH status, nothing at all happens, thus eliminating any sort of time wasting.  After a while, all the HATEs will turn to DEATH, thus taking care of the administration. It bloody well (doesn’t) run itself!

All of this brilliance, naturally, will result in megabucks for my coworkers and me.  Or at very least, me.  I want no movie or biography; just money.  And some hits on this stinkin’ blog, dammit.

Are the Laws of Physics Different in Japan?

Let’s take a momentary break from the non-stop barrage of tragic news emanating from Japan and instead focus on President Obama, who is in the headlines, as leader of the free world, discussing March Madness.

Now that we’re through with the latest great accomplishment of President Giveaway, let’s get back to the central point of this entry: are the laws of physics different in Japan than the US or other countries?

I ask because I’m really confused over all the seemingly contradictory news flowing from Japan and our alleged press.  Generally the word meltdown has a really negative ring to it.  It tends to get even worse when it is applied to nuclear plants.

We know that four nuclear plants in Japan were seriously damaged.  The news out of Japan has been contradictory (to be polite) all by itself.  Add in the already completely filtered US news and you have a mass of information that appears to be completely useless, much like the nuclear plants themselves.

Japan has not released radiation numbers. Japan also hasn’t made too big a deal out of the fact that their spent fuel rods were stored at the tops of the reactors, which were blown up.  And has anyone mentioned that some of the existing fuel rods have been exposed to the air?

Remember Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania?  It wasn’t exactly Chernobyl, but the public was lied to about the seriousness of the event.  I strongly suspect there is some serious intentional confusion and withholding of facts.  If you want to know who is behind this, answer the Main Question: Who Benefits?

WHICH IS IT?

The US suggests that everyone within eighty kilometers of the Fukushima plant evacuate.      The UK has issued a Get the Hell Out of Tokyo order.  US experts say the US won’t feel the effects of this crisis.  The chairman of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission states that radiation levels are “extremely high.”  Japan states that there is no danger to anyone living within twenty kilometers.  Oddly enough, there is plenty of personal radiation spot-checking going on in Japan.

You tell me, Japan.  Which is it – dangerous or not?

Japan has had all sorts of interesting ideas on how to cool the out-of-control reactors, ranging from having helicopters dump water on them to pumping in sea water.  These have all turned out to be Really Bad Ideas<tm> for technical reasons like too much radiation to fly over or water is not helping cool things down sufficiently.

DANGER IN THE PLANT?

Did you know that during the design phase of these General Electric nuclear plants, several engineers quit rather than be associated with this faulty and potentially harmful design.  In short, they were concerned that the containment had not been tested and would not be sufficient for emergencies like the one facing Japan today.

There are currently twenty three of these GE Mark One plants running in the US.  In Germany, Merkel has ordered all of their Mark Ones shut down until further notice.

SHORT SUPPLY

Potassium iodide and radiation detectors are in high demand.  Potassium iodide is recommended to help your thyroid to absorb less radiation.  Remember when radiation detectors were what the Paranoid used to wave around their microwave ovens to check for leakage?

NOW WHAT?

With the lack of real factual, intelligible information, one could well smell coverup.  We are getting more information from a Japanese live blog than from official Japanese sources.  Why do you suppose that is?

UPDATE:

Washington (CNN) — The U.S. military has blocked access to a range of popular commercial websites in order to free up bandwidth for use in Japan recovery efforts, according to an e-mail obtained by CNN and confirmed by a spokesman for U.S. Strategic Command.

The US military is blocking high-traffic sites (across the .MIL domain) to free up bandwidth to help Japan better?   Is this normal?  Are these sites blocked in Afghanistan? Iraq?

Real News Just for This Blog!

So there’s a flight going from Mexico City to Los Angeles.  Three men start praying in a language that wasn’t Spanish.  People got alarmed.  Stewardesses were called.  Law enforcement met the plane at LAX.

What happened?

Three orthodox Jews were praying on the plane.

TSA got hold of them, screened their baggage, and insisted that they `bark like a dog’ before releasing them.

Now tell me – which was more idiotic: praying in a foreign language on a plane or calling the authorities on the praying?  In what universe do these people live?

**********

All the way over in the northeast part of Russia, anti-terrorist bomb squad experts were called in to examine a package from which a strange ticking was emanating.

The post office was evacuated and rings of security were put around its perimeter.

The bomb squad discovered that the sound was coming from a vibrator, which had become switched on during its trip.

Fortunately the TSA was nowhere to be found (they were meeting to discuss sexting in Russia).  No word on whether the x-ray machines would have set the vibrator off or not.

**********

Israeli model Orit Fox did some kind of dance or other that involved a snake.  The snake, either hungry or just plain male, bit her on the left boob.  Orit got a tetanus shot.  The snake, unfortunately, died of silicone poisoning.

Happily, one would presume.

Meanwhile, the weatherman on the local Fox news affiliate asked the anchor if anyone offered to suck out the poison.  The anchor covered his face and proceeded to laugh hysterically.


I Gotcher Brackets Right Here!

The clocks sprang forward an hour, resulting in the sky staying gray for an extra hour at night.  Yes, it’s March Madness time in Philly, where the state bird is the cloud and the state color gray.  It always rains (and sometimes snows) on Wednesdays.  And where twenty one priests have been suspended for touching children.

In my capacity as the AntiSports<tm>, I picked up the word brackets.  I find it’s always handy to learn one current sports term and casually drop it at work to get conversation going.  It usually takes just moments for someone to realize I uttered a random sports word and then adopt a quizzical look.

Gotcha.

News has reached my ears that the millionaires who play football are now in contention with the billionaires who own the teams.  As if this weren’t good enough on its own, some genius on the news said it wasn’t fair because the owners are rich and some of the players don’t make $500,000.

Don’t you just bleed for the poor players?

Now don’t get me wrong: I am not a socialist.  I do not believe that the salaries have to be brought closer to each other.  I don’t care what any of the overprivileged, under-gray-mattered fellows makes.  I sure as hell don’t make $500k per year and I have great amounts of difficulty summoning any sort of sympathy at all for the lot of them.

The upshot of the news story is that this could impact football in September.   Never mind that we’re really far from September and this was just a ridiculous attention-grabbing headline: there might be no football.

**********

Thinking about it further, the scary headline could mean one of the greatest things ever to happen to Philly since… well…. everNo football!

So let the whole load of greedy bastards sit the entire season out.   Baseball was the last sport to pull this stunt.  This proved to the owners and teams that no matter how they screw the public, the public will line up to pay their inflated salaries like nothing happened.  Plus city and state money will be forthcoming, as will a new stadium.

Things are gonna be different when I’m president.

NEXT WEEK: Never mind alcohol interlocks – I want a device that will shut down the engine when there’s a cell phone operating.

Not Smart Enough to Be a Cop? No Problem.

Dayton, Ohio has standards for its police.  Or rather, Dayton, Ohio had standards for its police.

Apparently not enough African Americans were passing the tests to join the police force, so the US Department of Justice mandated that the test standards be lowered.

Where is the NAACP on this issue?  Dayton NAACP President Derrick Foward disagreed with the idea.

This is not the first time the Department of (Impaired) Justice pulled the race card, forcing other cities to lower standards.

**********

Don’t you get a warm feeling inside, knowing that the people keeping the peace in your neighborhood couldn’t pass the test, so the test was made easier so there would be more African Americans on the force?

Should the DOJ insist that height standards be lowered so Jews can join the NBA?

Should the armed forces start hiring the developmentally disabled (away from Congress) to run missile silos?

How about firefighters under sixteen?  James Baker for small arms instructor?  Dick Cheney as a comedian?

Whatever happened to the best and the brightest?

I’ll tell you what happened: the politically correct people neutered them.

**********

And furthermore… if I were African American, I’d be highly insulted.

Parents: the Everyday Heroes

It’s been eight hours since I got here.  This is further proof that no good deed ever goes unpunished.

I have a cat and a dog who keep me much busier than I ever thought I could be.  I have no idea how you parents do it with even one child.  Today there were two.

As you might remember, I prefer quadrupeds – for good reason.

My nephews are two well-behaved boys, two and seven.  My wife and I are trying to lend a hand, as our sister-in-law is undergoing chemotherapy.  I don’t want to overstate my contribution: my job was to back up my wife and try to keep the younger child from dismembering my laptop.  On the surface, this wouldn’t seem like a formidable job.  In reality, however, it was exhausting.

His first discovery was, surprisingly enough, the cd/dvd tray.  He figured out how to open it, then shut it, then open it again.  This provoked squeals of delight for fifteen minutes.  Also completely enthralling was a really bad linux screensaver, featuring snowflakes.  He is the only person I have ever met who kept trying to make the screensaver come up and got mad when it went away.

My wife got smart a few hours into the job by developing a migraine.  I must be certain to work on this ability to see if I have any innate talent.  With my luck, I’m figuring no.

We took turns trying to divert the kids’ attention from Dad’s whereabouts, as the younger one’s favorite phrase is `where’s Dad?’  He also has the rare ability to locate potentially injurious objects, particularly knives, from across the room.  While I was cooking, he picked up a sharp knife from the counter and announced, “Knife.”

Yes it was.

The alarm announces whenever the front door opens.  This means `Daddy’, which was a shame because my wife goes outside for a cigarette too frequently.  And I’m a huge disappointment, as I’m just the guy who shows up with Favorite Aunt.  Both kids look virtually through me to see if their aunt is behind me.

I also learned that possession is nine-tenths of the choice.

DAD: Want a banana?

BABY: NO.

DAD: [putting banana in other hand]  Want a banana?

BABY: NO.

MOM: [now with banana]  Want a banana?

BABY: Yes.

The older child is not without his charms either.  He enjoys his WeeWee.  You know, the video game.  In fact, I suspect he’s got a bit of an issue with it, as he was mad at his friend for wasting his time watching a movie when he could be playing Wee.

Thou shalt not come between a child and his WeeWee Time.

As he danced merrily in front of the television, we realized that the apple did not fall far from the tree.  His father, my youngest brother, used to obscure the television and dance when he was little too.

It was frequently necessary to almost restrain my sister-in-law, who is not one to let a little cancer (and treatment) get in her way.  One can try to help but one doesn’t always succeed.

This will happen again next weekend.

I don’t know how you people do it, even without cancer.

FBI Prostitutes Adopt Motorist

In spite of being the AntiSports, here is a story that absolutely required mention.  Apparently there’s a yearly hockey match that’s quite contentious.  It’s the much-anticipated FBI vs Secret Service game.

The CIA has spent almost a year doing recon in preparation for the game.  Since they cannot legally operate inside the country, half of the CIA personnel stationed in Virginia have moved to England, where the spying is good (and free).

Meanwhile, the NRO has been doing surveillance from space.  What do you think all those satellites are up there for anyway?

P.S.  The NSA cannot state whether hockey exists or not, but they already know who won and the score.

**********

A New York lawyer tried to deduct the services of prostitutes as medical expenses.  He failed.

I would have to argue with the IRS here.  Let’s put aside the fact that the IRS should be disbanded for a moment.  After I gave birth to my first kidney stone, the urologist told me that it was important to ejaculate a lot, for the good of my prostate.  I asked if he could write me a prescription for some hookers.  He allowed that he would, but my insurance wouldn’t cover them.  Apparently the IRS won’t either. [Legal robbery]

**********

How to adopt a great dog.  A very good set of tips, one and all.

**********

A Tampa, Florida motorist was detained by (figurative) jack-booted thugs for attempting to pay his toll with a one hundred dollar bill.

I’m surprised they didn’t jail him for drug dealing and impound his car.

Updates, Sex Suspension, and a Question for Charlie

Mazda is recalling 52,000 model 6 sedans.  No, the accelerator does not stick.  It’s because the yellow sac spider likes to spin its web in the fuel system.  The spider displays a distinct fondness for four cylinder engines: it has never fouled a V6 (yet?).

**********

A Brigham Young University basketball player has been suspended for an honor code violation.  The code states:

  • Be honest;
  • Live a chaste and virtuous life;
  • Obey the law and all campus policies;
  • Use clean language;
  • Respect others;
  • Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee and substance abuse;
  • Participate regularly in church services;
  • Observe dress and grooming standards;
  • Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the honor code.

Brandon Davies was suspended from the team for violating the one about chastity: he admitted to the school that he had sex with his girlfriend.

Normally the mere thought of sports bores me to tears but this story has a certain ring to it.  Perhaps it’s the ring of hilarity…

Yes, that would be it.

**********

Newt Gingrich will run for president in 2012!

Wow, old Newt is setting the bar really high.  How can the other scumbags compete with a pair of heartless infidelities?  In the true spirit of America, somehow I know they will succeed.  Rumor has it Newt will not be campaigning at Brigham Young University.

**********

GALLIANO UPDATE

The other day I lamented fashion designer John Galliano making things difficult for the average guy to live up to by making anti-semitic remarks while drunk in public.  It turns out that doing this in France can land you in the pokey for up to six months (another reason to hate the French).

With this in mind, Galliano has suddenly become full of remorse, or at very least a remorse-like substance.

In the statement he said, “I was subjected to verbal harassment and unprovoked assault when an individual tried to hit me with a chair having taken violent exception to my look and my clothing.”

Well, that explains that, doesn’t it?  Someone said something you didn’t like so you naturally had to make an anti-semitic statement.  Perfectly reasonable, right?

Like Mel Gibson before him, this stuff didn’t just materialize out of nowhere.  Kids learn this kind of thing somewhere, don’t they?

I actually support anyone’s right to hate anyone else, as well as freedom of speech.  What I don’t like is the hypocrisy of it all.   Don’t get all remorseful on us – you don’t like Jews and you told everyone.

FYI, Galliano has checked himself into rehab for alcoholism.  This means we’ll soon have a sober anti-semite.

I’m still not sure why the Jews are such great (and popular) targets.

********

9-11 firefighter dies of cancer linked to toxic dust

I distinctly remember Christie Whitman stating that the dust was perfectly safe.  It would be wrong of me to wish cancer on her, but still….

********

SIRHAN SIRHAN UPDATE UPDATE

Sirhan Sirhan denied parole

Whether or not you believe in parole or if Sirhan deserved it, I strongly urge you to read the linked article.  Commissioner Mike Prizmich is clearly a sanctimonious prig, interested only in a public show of piety and style over substance.  He gives the impression that if Sirhan danced to Prizmich’s tune, he would clearly be eligible for parole (regardless of his true feelings or actions).  Prizmich made a mockery of the entire parole system.

**********

NEW: Man arrested for trapping woman in fold-out couch…

You can’t keep them down on the farm after they’ve seen the new Charlie Sheen porn parody…

**********

BUT SERIOUSLY, CHARLIE

Are you bipolar?  Mania would certainly explain the recent spate of press opportunities and your strange ranting.  Charlie – you could be self-medicating.  Please do yourself and your children a favor and have this checked out.  It can be better controlled with meds that are actually prescribed for you than street stuff and booze.  I speak from honesty and experience: I am married to a lady who is bipolar.

The Naked Breakfast [or More True Work Stories]

I had no idea that when I walked in to work, things would be so good.  You have to agree that last week’s revelation that we are working with a gay porn star was pretty funny.  It would definitely be pretty hard to top.  And you also have to agree that what happens where I work (the Twilight Zone) is much better than anything we could make up.

As I walked into my office this morning, I heard what I assume was the tail end of a sentence:

“… and he wouldn’t let me touch it.”

I stood, open-mouthed, for a second, then looked at the lady who uttered the sentence and repeated what I heard for the benefit of the rest of the office.

“And he wouldn’t let me touch it.”

I was pleased to discover that the rest of the office found it every bit as amusing as I did.

**********

Legally speaking, sexual harassment is in the ear of the beholder.  We were cautioned to be careful of this at work.

This legal fact only highlights the open (altered) universe in which my workplace exists.  The guy who sits next to me stopped by to repeat what he just heard in the common kitchen.  There were two rather large women, who were comparing notes on where their thighs hurt when their husbands flipped them over during sex.

What has been heard cannot be unheard.

**********

Another fellow was backing up someone’s smart phone pictures by request.  He turned several shades of white when he discovered, among the personal pictures of the guy’s kids; several of his sizable wife, in varying poses, wearing little to nothing but a riding crop.  And performing certain activities.

So naturally he had to share the bounty with his coworkers.

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

The previous day, this fellow, who is apparently not having a good week, made a somewhat unfortunate statement out loud:

“I’ve got a mouthful of your nuts…..”

**********

You can’t buy this kind of entertainment.

Observational Monstrosities: Aguilera is DUI Episode

Cameron Diaz loves porn.  Aside from her suspiciously large biceps, Cameron is quickly becoming the most wonderful woman on the planet.

**********

I am not taking sides on the brouhaha in Wisconsin at the moment.  I am just really curious about how so many politicians (in this case democrats) can simply go AWOL without repercussions.  The Catholic Church, meanwhile, has taken a pro-union stance.  Sort of.

**********

What do you say to someone who’s depressed?

Great question.  Depression is real.  It’s not made up.  It’s a chemical imbalance.  You are not going to just shape up and snap yourself out of it.  Depression is more than just feeling down or sad at one time or other.  Health.com has some decent suggestions.   Remember: you can’t fix them but you can help (and not make things worse).

**********

At a school in Pakistan, children are playing the suicide bomber play-dead game.

Yet another reason the US is so far behind in education.

**********

Will Steve Jobs Attend APPLE iPad Event?

Hopefully he won’t be sidelined by iCancer.

**********

Gwynyth Paltrow won’t stop singing

Isn’t it horrible that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?  I want to boink porn stars like Charlie Sheen does.  Perhaps we can reach a compromise: Gwynyth can come sing with my band and I can boink her.

**********

Keith Richards’ daughter, Theodora (25), got arrested in New York for using a paint marker on a building.  The only question left is whether Keith will scold or applaud her efforts.  Theodora is Keith’s daughter with [insert random blonde model sperm receptacle].

**********

TSA staff jet blew it when boxcutters taken on JFK airliner…

Boxcutters!  Just like 9-11!  I’m surprised he didn’t hijack the plane…

**********

I want to change my band’s name.  I just came up with something funny and topical: Charlie Sheen’s Penis.

What do you think?  Can’t you just see it up on the marquee?  TONIGHT: Charlie Sheen’s Penis.  We’ll be the biggest thing going :)

**********

Talk about serious ambivalence… I couldn’t watch my guitar hero, Jeff Beck, when he was on Americans Idle.  And now I hear that Alex Jones was on the View.  The best thing that could happen to that show would be a fire.  When those women speak, all I hear is agitated clucking.


Well Hello Hello, Sirhan!

The definition of certainty has always been the negative outcome of a parole hearing for Charlie Manson and Sirhan Sirhan.  Sirhan never stood a chance due to his misdeeds.  Charlie is just plain bat-excrement crazy.  He could always be counted upon to make things more interesting by claiming his own divinity or scrawling a swastika in his own forehead.

There exists a chance that at least some of this might change tomorrow, when Sirhan Sirhan (himself himself) will appear before the parole board with two psychologists’ reports stating that he is no longer a danger to society.

Logically one could argue that Sirhan was never a danger to society; he was simply a danger to Robert F. Kennedy.  Having disposed of his duties, re: Kennedy, he is no longer a danger.

There, I’ve summed it all up logically and neatly.

There are, of course, some who will state that Sirhan was never consciously a danger to anyone, RFK included.  From the small amount of research I have read on the case, I am probably one of them.  There is a very interesting book called “RFK Must Die” that you might want to read to acquaint yourself with the case.

Psychiatrists have examined Sirhan (how does the reader know when I am referring to Sirhan the first name or Sirhan the last name?) and it appears that he has no knowledge of the crime he committed.  I am going to go with the conclusions of at least one of the psychiatrists, who states that Sirhan has no knowledge of the crime because it was triggered by prior programming.  The Manchurian Candidate was more than just an entertaining movie: this is documented fact.

As one might expect, there are also too many bullets from too many directions to have been fired by one man, a waiter.  There was also a couple at the restaurant, the female of which wore a polka-dotted dress.  These were alleged to be the folks who set off Sirhan’s programming.  If you are going to argue that there’s no such thing, please stop reading at the top of the page and don’t bother commenting.

What would be truly interesting would be to get Sirhan to a good deprogramming specialist.   Of course Sirhan would be dead long before he ever visited that office.  Whoever programmed him in the first place has him exactly where they want him.  California is doing their job for them.  Perhaps justice would be better served if the people guilty of ordering and carrying out the programming all went to prison

———-

For ongoing research into JFK and RFK, check out Black Op Radio, in the links section on the right.