Thomas Crapper Day Celebrates More Than Toilet Humor

Urine the majority when you think that Thomas Crapper Day exploits the legacy of an innovative sanitation field mastermind for the cheap and easy laughs of toilet humor, but let’s get a handle on the situation.

I hate to dump this on you, but contrary to popular belief, famed plumber Thomas Crapper did not invent the flush toilet. He did, however, work tirelessly — until he was pooped — to popularize its use in modern society.

In loo of explaining it all, I urge you to relax, take a seat, and ease into these many ways we celebrate Thomas Crapper Day:

Toilet Sarlacc Keeps Bounty Hunters At Bay

Your momma’s bathroom’s so dirty that it looks like the Pit of Carkoon.

Oh. And you’ve actually got a Sarlacc in your toilet! Impressive. Most impressive. I know this kind of started out as an insult, but your household just became the coolest one in the Galaxy.

Toilet Sarlacc Keeps Bounty Hunters At Bay

I can’t actually afford an authentic piece of the prop Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi, but I could stow a much more reasonably priced Toilet Sarlacc in my commode in case I’ve got a bounty hunter I ever need to shake.

“Sure, Mr. Fett! You can use my bathroom. Right this way…”

Toilet Sarlacc Keeps Bounty Hunters At Bay

Really, though, the Toilet Sarlacc begins its life as a bunch of decals that cleverly affix to the inside of your potty to become more dangerous than you could possibly imagine. Use with care — but definitely use! Thanks to Robbie Rane, Alyssa Scott, and Ray Wilson for sharing this very silly — and very cool — thing with our humble planet. (And thanks to Steven Buehler for bringing it to our attention!) You can get your own Toilet Sarlacc for $25.

Toilet Sarlacc Keeps Bounty Hunters At Bay
[Images from toiletsarlacc.com]

Hair Catcher Keeps Drains Clear of Hair, Fuzz, Furballs

Shower Hair Catcher Plus Bath Drain Clog Preventer
Keep your drains free from hair, fuzz, and other furballs of questionable and disgusting origin by using the DrainWig Hair Catcher [Image shared by Amazon]
About seven years ago, my wife and I purchased a home that had been previously occupied. After moving in, I noticed that the master bath was draining slowly. Removing the gobs of wadded hair that had been lovingly left behind by the last tenants (presumably a follicly prolific family of Wookiees that had married into a tribe of Sasquatch) was enough to make a billy goat puke. It was a nasty task — one that I vowed never to repeat. Due to this experience, I can vouch that the DrainWig Hair Catcher is well worth its meager price for sparing you a similarly hair-raising ordeal.

How Can The DrainWig Hair Catcher Save You Money?

The DrainWig Hair Catcher can save you, the property owner, money and sanity from the necessity of having a plumber unclog your drains. It will also protect your pipes and the environment by eliminating the need to use caustic chemicals that can leach into the ground water. However, in my opinion, the biggest advantage is that you will not have to face removing the clog yourself.

In summary, the DrainWig Hair Catcher boasts these features:

  • It’s universal and fits into any shower, tub, or sink drain.
  • It’s green because it uses physics — not chemicals — to keep your drain free of clogs!
  • It’s easily installed and requires no tools. It simply goes over the drain cover that’s already there.
  • It’s hygienic because it can clean a drain without your hands even touching the hair and other gross stuff that tends to clog drains!
  • It’s low maintenance — if you don’t want to wash and reuse it, you can just replace it every one to three months (depending on how hairy your family happens to be).

How Does the DrainWig Hair Catcher Work?

The DrainWig Hair Catcher is a very simple device, and it’s easy to install. You just feed it through the shower or sink drain, and as hair enters the drain, the DrainWig Hair Catcher catches it and holds it in place. The chain is fitted with rubber ‘whiskers’ that grab the hair and hold it securely, keeping it from entering the drain to collect out of reach and cause a clog.

Get your own DrainWig Hair Catcher at Amazon and keep your drains free from hair, fuzz, and other furballs of questionable and disgusting origin!

Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal Puts Potter on the Potty

Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal
Like Emma Goldman during her undocumented years at Hogwarts, you can be the first on your block to symbolically flush all world governments down the drain with a clever interpretation of the message on this Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal. [Image shared by Amazon]
Whether or not you use the throne of your home’s “reading room” to catch up on J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, wouldn’t it be quite the statement to adorn the lid of said throne with a Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal? The ghostly Moaning Myrtle would gladly put one in every stall if only she could hold onto them for long enough to affix them accordingly.

If you — a being belonging in the corporeal world — have never applied a vinyl sticker, decal, or slogan to a wall, don’t worry; the process is fairly simple. As long as you have patience and take your time, you should wind up with a smooth, attractive design in the place of your choosing — in this case, the inside lid of your newly made Potter potty.

Impress Visitors When They See Your Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal

Not only will you impress visitors, but you will share the inspirational Ministry of Magic slogan: “This Way to the Ministry of Magic.”

The Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal includes these features:

  • It’s approximately 10″w x 10″h.
  • Easy to follow instructions are included with your order.
  • Black is the default color.

What Makes the Slogan “This Way to the Ministry of Magic” Appropriate?

The Ministry of Magic, as mentioned in the Harry Potter novels, is the government of a secret, magical world. Like most governments — whether magical or muggle — it’s a corrupt, incompetent monster of a machine run by powerful and either out-of-touch or simply uncaring officials who act in their own interests over the good of the overall constituency.

So what happens once you install your Harry Potter Toilet Seat Decal on the inside lid of your Potter potty? Nothing by itself, but it lets you make a statement every time you push the handle and send away whatever is deposited into the bowl. It’s like flushing away your worries — and the overreaching power of every convoluted world government as represented by the Ministry of Magic — easily and effortlessly.

While it may make no real difference in world affairs, it almost feels more effective than voting!

Toilet Paper Money Roll is Not a New Kind of Sushi

Toilet Paper Money Roll is Not a New Kind of Sushi
A toilet paper money roll shows the world that you think currency unbacked by a precious metal standard is only worth its weight in poopwipe. [Image shared by Pirillo Picks: Episode IV]
Toilet paper money, you say? What is the meaning of this?

Well, stockpiling bundles of paper money to burn while impoverished street urchins looked on sadly may have impressed wax-mustachioed 19th century robber barons, but the truly elite, 21st century one-percenters prove — to the upper echelon and hoi polloi, alike — that they’ve really come into their own by simply flushing copious amounts of toilet paper money down the W.C.

Figuratively and literally.

Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another Toilet Paper Money Roll?

You see, when you’re canoodling with your fat cat chums at the Bohemian Grove, exchanging nostalgic Skull and Bones handshakes and laughing about your outrageous college days, you need to make sure your 14-carat bum doesn’t get chafed raw by the plebeian single-ply toilet paper of the common people. Toilet paper money, on the other hand, is rich, two-ply, and cottony smooth for easy tidying of the nether regions.

When you, ahem, lay the golden egg, you don’t want to succumb to the mishaps associated with lesser toilet paper rolls. Even if your excrement happens to exude an aromatic redolence of vanilla and honeysuckle, to sully your uncalloused hands with such self-produced feculence is categorically undignified. In the good olden days, you’d have had the hired help handle these humiliating hardships of hygiene.

Now, though? The best that even you can hope for is to have a closet crammed full of toilet paper money rolls at the ready for those inconvenient interruptions when nature calls. Maybe you can turn things around when you take your rightful place on the Ruling Council of The Illuminati Order and reinstate the proper levels of humiliation upon those pressed into domestic servitude without fear of lawsuit; for now, though, this is the next best thing.

The Toilet Paper Money Will Roll Right In

When you’ve got an hourly income that typically exceeds the combined GNP of the western hemisphere, the toilet paper money will roll right in. But if you tire of utilizing the face of a founding father on a facsimile of modern American currency, it’s nice to know that you still have a multitude of other options.

In the end (har, har), what suits thy royal derriere, your majesty?